Stop Asking Us to Smile
Smile more.
Lighten up.
Don’t be so serious.
They sound harmless to the person saying them—just a bit of “friendly” advice. But to the woman hearing them, they are not harmless at all. They are small acts of control disguised as charm, subtle reminders that our value is tied to how agreeable, pleasant, and palatable we can be.
These phrases are a policing of emotion, a request for performance. They tell us: Don’t make people uncomfortable with your seriousness. Don’t show your anger. Don’t let your face betray your exhaustion. In other words: Don’t be fully human.
I have heard it in the workplace, in the grocery store, walking down the street. I have had strangers tell me to smile while I was deep in thought, colleagues suggest I “soften up” during meetings, and even friends try to coax a grin when I was grieving. Each time, it was a reminder that women are often expected to be the emotional caretakers of every room we enter—light enough to lift the mood, soft enough to make others feel safe, even at the expense of our own truth.
I have learned to resist these demands. I will not shape my face to soothe someone else’s discomfort. My expression belongs to me. My moods, my thoughts, my silences—these are not problems to be fixed with a smile.
Sometimes my face will show joy, because I feel it. Sometimes it will show focus, because I am working. Sometimes it will show frustration, because something is unjust. All of these are valid. All of these are mine.
To stop asking me to smile is to respect my full humanity—the parts that are radiant and the parts that are raw. It is to accept that I am not here to decorate your day, to perform cheerfulness on command, or to contort my emotions into something more digestible.
I do not exist to be pleasant at all times. I exist to be whole. And that respect is non-negotiable.
